Philadelphia’s favorite sports franchise, Ball and Oates, quickly reverted to their losing ways on Sunday with a 66-47 loss to the Throwbacks. The outlook for Ball and Oates going in to the game was less bleak than previous weeks, but with only one substitute, the players, who performed very well in the first half, ran out of gas and fell apart at the end. It was ugly, kind of like that guy at the Olympics who somersaulted off the high dive but flopped into the water. Only he tanked at the Olympics, not at a Philadelphia intramural sports league.
Ball and Oates was without several key players, including “Jrue” Schneider, “Killa Cam” Cassedy, “Rude Boy” Shah, Leo “Ratliff” Guercio, and “Speedy” Salera, the first three of whom were fined $10,000 by the team for not showing up to practice or the game. Leo “Ratliff” was still reeling after being cut from the team last week, so he decided to walk the Philly marathon on Sunday. Apparently, he’s on mile 17 right now. Go Leo!
Ball and Oates’ opposition, the Throwbacks, looked to be outmatched upon arrival, as they were a relatively small team. Apparently, however, the time they spent at the Oompa-Loompa factory served them well because they shot the three-pointer with extreme accuracy. Even the token ginger on the team, who looks exactly like this kid, drained multiple threes, which is what ultimately toppled Ball and Oates in the second half. In a post game interview, GM “Cuban” Guercio, who was hooked up to an oxygen mask and draped in a police blanket, spoke like some combination of the kid in the wheelchair from Malcolm in the Middle and Darth Vader, said “we just needed more guys,” a quote nearly impossible to take out of context.
Still, despite Ball and Oates’ 1-5 regular season record, the Philadelphia Sports Network was kind enough to let the team participate in the playoffs. Ball and Oates will have an extra week of rest this coming holiday weekend, but will be back and ready for action on December 2nd. GM “Cuban” Guercio has already ordered face paint, shoe spikes, and itchy powder in bulk, to be used in the rematch against Faith +1. “We’re going to win,” said the GM, “even if we have to sabotage them.”