Fire Sale at CBP!

“Everything must go!” says Phillies’ GM Reuben Amaro Jr. After trading All-Star outfielders Shane Victorino and Hunter Pence to the Los Angeles Dodgers and San Francisco Giants, respectively. The trade deadline deals on Tuesday afternoon gave the Phillies a number of prospects and two starters, Nate Whatshisname and Josh Whogivesafuck.

The trades make this message clear to the fans: the Phillies are rebuilding. This would normally come as bad news to the fan base as it means the team is going to struggle for the next few years while their young talent grows. However, most Philadelphians are hopeful that this means the gates of Citizens Bank Park will open to the public for an Invincible-style tryout session. Upon learning of the Phillies deadline trades, which were clearly done for “salary purposes”, lifelong Phillies’ fan Colin Scattergood asked the question on everyone’s mind, “You think they’re looking for replacements? I’m a steal comparatively.”

Hunter Pence became the third Phillie in the past five years to end up in San Francisco, following Aaron Rowand and… you guessed it… Pat “The Bat” Burrell. However, Pence is not expected to break his nose by catching a fly ball at the wall like Rowand or contract as many STDs as Burrell.

Nevertheless, many believe that Reuben Amaro Jr., the deadline deal maker, has a plan for the team going forward and that he didn’t make these trades for the sake of making trades. Though some would argue against that based on his comments this afternoon. When asked about trading Victorino and Pence to their new California teams, Amaro said, “I love two things in this world: big, round Latina asses and making deals!”

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