Again we start the recap of Ball and Oates most recent game, the first round of the non-winners playoff bracket, with the same words as the previous recap. Against all odds and expectations, Ball and Oates… WON their first playoff game against Thugged Out Daffodils by a score of 44-38 and advance to the next round. The end of the season looked bleak for B&O when four players announced they would not be playing in Monday’s game, leaving the starting five with no substitutes. Furthermore, four of the starting five showed up drunk to the game. This all begs the question: how the hell did they pull it off?
Thanks to great shooting from Tony “Broni” Kauffman, Isaac “Newton” Perron, and GP “Cuban” Guercio, coupled with dominant defense and paint play from Leo “Ratliff” Guercio and Tim “Timbo Slice” Robinson, Ball and Oates was able to outscore their opponent significantly in the second half and make up a four-point deficit from the first half. A pregame power hour may have helped pump up the team as well. On top of their unmatched athleticism, B&O continued to energize the home crowd of 3 with the Rich Girl/Bitch Girl dance team during halftime and an entertaining Jumbotron segment, “Race to the Rec Center”, which showed two poor kids on a red and blue bike racing from North Philly’s train station to 10th & Wallace. The crowd became even more excited when they saw Pat Burrell placing bets on the kid riding the red bike while drinking a handle of Wild Turkey through a vuvuzela horn.
Ball and Oates played so well that other players in the PSN league are hoping they take some time off to play minor league baseball before returning for another season. However, the Ball and Oates team is more on the level of talent to play in basement-league beer pong. A post-game picture involving Smirnoff Ice (see below) probably demonstrates this team’s main talent: drinking.
The team played without Matt “Wim Job” Wimmer, Ethan “Eastern Time” Tannen, Jon “Stroke City” Skale, whose whereabouts are unknown but a picture that surfaced on the Internet of Skale wearing only frayed denim cutoffs and pink army boots while twirling around a Castro Street sign suggests that he is in San Francisco, and Chris “Fire Crotch” Kuncio, who has officially requested a trade from Ball and Oates. According to unnamed sources within the organization, the players got a glimpse on Kuncio’s wiener in the locker room and have been making fun of him ever since. “Seriously, picture a pig-in-a-blanket… then divide that by four,” said an anonymous B&O insider.
Ball and Oates will take on the loser of this week’s top-seed playoff match next week. It’s anybody’s guess as to how this team will fare in their next matchup, but perhaps they will have some luck on their side. “Broni” Kauffman has vowed never to wash his jersey while B&O’s winning streak is intact. Oddly enough, this may prove to be more than lucky as no defender will want to get within smelling distance of him.
Tune in to the round 2 of the PSN non-winners bracket next Monday. The likely start time will be 9 pm.