Philadelphia sports fans felt the highest of highs and lowest of lows on Sunday night. The lows, of course, coming from the Philadelphia Eagles, who… eh, we’ll let ESPN recap that one. The highs, however, coming from Ball and Oates, who laid the proverbial “smack down” on Phil’s Feathers with a final score of 33-25.
The odds were not in favor of Ball and Oates on Sunday, who suffered a Week 1 loss to Phil’s Feathers, mainly because every single one of the players were extremely hungover from the previous two night’s shenanigans. Substitutions were frequent during the game, as players needed to run off to the sidelines and throw up the beer, Soco & lime shots, and Tostino’s pizza bites ingested the night before. However, Ball and Oates has accepted this as a winning strategy, since nothing else has worked up until this point. Practice will most likely include shotguns, keg stands, gargoyles, and shooters.
The team was without Leo “Ratliff” Guercio who, upon the their first victory, was cut from the team by GM GP “Cuban” Guercio as he was determined to be a “bad luck charm.” Ball and Oates enjoyed the usual strong play and scrappiness from Drew “Jrue” Schneider, Cameron “Killa Cam” Cassedy, Mike “Hasselhoff” Sunderhauf, and Rudy “Rude Boy” Shah. GP “Cuban” Guercio is expected to offer a long-term contract to Joe “Kobe” Koeble, making his B&O debut with something like 8 or 9 points. Remember we were all hung over? I didn’t keep track of anyone’s line.
Perhaps the most impressive performance came from Michael “30 Minutes Late” Colosimo, who sacrificed his body to earn a tide-turning charge against Phil’s Feathers. Colosimo had to be carried off the court via stretcher, and an IV of PBR was promptly inserted. When asked about his selfless act to help the team regain possession of the ball, Colosimo said,”Huh? I was just too drunk to move.”
Expectations for Ball and Oates are now higher than ever, with some analysts even predicting another win somewhere in their future. In the meantime, the team will continue to shirk practice and engage in debaucherous activities. GM “Cuban” Guercio will continue to meet with potential head coaches, including Phil Jackson, Pat Riley, and Gene Hackman’s character from “Hoosiers”. The main criteria for the head coach position is the ability to finish an Edward Forty-hands in under ten minutes.