Postseason Glory

Ball and Oates tasted sweet victory on Sunday with an overtime win against Faith +1, advancing to the next round of the non-winners bracket in the postseason. With a final score of 43-40, Ball and Oates notched their second win of the season, this time against the orange team that defeated them in October, led by Mouthy Douchebag #5. Ball and Oates’ second win is a milestone not just in Philadelphia but all over the country, since it is two more wins than Mitt Romney has.

Ball and Oates played with their full 10 players or, as some rappers would say, “squad deep, home-boi.” Owner, GM, coach, billionaire, playboy, full-on-rapist, er… philanthropist GP “Cuban” Guercio utilized a revolutionary system of rotating players during gameplay, pulling out all five starters at once and replacing them with the benchwarmers. This strategy worked especially well because all five starters were exhausted after only five minutes, again recovering from the previous night’s shenanigans at their usual location, the extremely swanky and celebrity-studded McGillin’s.

There were many notable performances during Sunday’s win, as each player made a significant impact on the team’s performance. “Jrue” Schneider and Leo “Ratliff” Guercio, brought back after “Cuban” Guercio’s mother threatened never to cook dinner for him again unless he re-signed his brother, both played extremely well in the paint on offense and defense. “Rude Boy” Shah and “Killa Cam” Cassedy, who were kind enough to show up this week, moved the ball and shot with pinpoint accuracy. “Sunshine” Salgado and Isaac “Newton” provided much needed passing and shooting off the bench, sinking clutch shots in both halves. “Speedy” Salera and “30 Minutes Late” Colosimo provided their usual speed and scrappiness, which helped hold off Faith +1’s late first half run.

Perhaps the most impressive performances came from Joe “Kobe” and the GM “Cuban” himself, who scored 9 points, including four from fast breaks. Yes, you read that correctly. GP defied the odds and made not one but two (two!) layups. Joe “Kobe” was essential to his team’s victory, as he scored all of Ball and Oates’ points in overtime. Is it coincidence that they have won both games that “Kobe” has played in? The GM doesn’t think so, and has engaged in fierce contract negotiations with “Kobe”‘s agent to make him a permanent fixture in the Ball and Oates team and legacy.

Still, Sunday’s victory was bittersweet, as it was learned that three brilliant members of Ball and Oates would not be returning next season. GM “Cuban” Guercio announced that the team will part ways with Isaac “Newton”, Mike “Hasselhoff”, and… Leo “Ratliff” Guercio. When asked about the repercussions of this decision, the GM responded, “Hey! I’m the boss, the decider! It’s best for the team! She can’t threaten to withhold dinner from me! It’s just not fair! How will I eat?” Still, the team will move forward and sign Joe “Kobe” and top-rated prospects from both their double-A and single-A affiliates, Ball Me Maybe and You Can Ball Me Al, respectively.

This Sunday, Ball and Oates will battle Phil’s Feathers for the third time this season. The series between them is even at one a piece, and this game will determine not only the series winner but also who finishes in third place overall. Expect a climactic climax next week and, if you want to make some money, bet the house that the players from Ball and Oates will get drunk at Perch Pub after the game is over.

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