Ball & Oates achieved the unthinkable yesterday, winning their first championship in franchise history! The team defeated Pickin & Rollin by a score of 39-28, capping a successful run of complaints and forfeitures that got them to the finals in the first place.
The match was closely contested throughout the first half, with 4 lead changes. In fact, at the conclusion of the first half, Pickin & Rollin had a two point lead over Ball & Oates. That didn’t last long. Ball & Oates retook the lead and continued to add to it. With only four minutes left, the team was up by 7. It might as well have been 50, because Pickin & Rollin would never catch up to the new league champs.
Ball & Oates played at full strength for the first and only time this season. Joe “Kobe” and “Killa Cam” Cassedy played with tremendous finesse and hustle. “Big Beard” Brady, despite nursing a gnarly hangover, played for a few minutes. “Chief Salgats” performed like a true sixth man, opening up multiple scoring opportunities for Ball & Oates by utilizing his smart gameplay. GM “Cuban” Guercio and “Rude Boy” Shah both hit clutch three pointers toward the end of the second half, which helped bust the game wide open. “Stone Cold Steve” Austin Serriani, filling in for the injured Matty “Dennis” Farina, was instrumental in the championship win with aggressive driving plays and smart defense.
However, the most notable performances came from “Big Jrue” Schneider, who played all 46 minutes while dominating Pickin & Rollin’s big men from both sides of the court, and “Charged” Colosimo, who was so focused that he dropped an “F” bomb while yelling at Cameron. Perhaps Schneider’s biggest highlight of the season came in the second half of last night’s game, when both he and P&R’s center went up for a loose ball and Schneider absolutely leveled him.
After Ball & Oates hoisted the championship trophy, it was time for awards to be handed out. Ball & Oates players were awarded the following:
Most Likely to Foul Out (Last year’s winner was DeMarcus Cousins, averaging 4.1 fouls/game)- “Killa Cam” Cassedy
The Roger Dorn Award (Perhaps the least effective GM and worst player on the team) – “Cuban” Guercio
Benchwarmer of the Year (No minutes? No problem!) – Matty “Dennis” Farina
PSN Freerider of the Year (maneuvered his way onto the team for free) – Leo “Ratliff”
The Token Minority Award (May be the first to die in a movie, but always on point) – “Rude Boy” Shah
The Weakest Wall Award (Doesn’t take much to knock it down) – “Charged” Colosimo
The Golden Minivan (Given to the most deserving soccer mom) – “Totes Cleave” Benway
The Kwame Brown Award (He’s got size, but not much else) – “Big Beard” Brady
The Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez Award (“Except for Rodriguez, you’re all an insult to the game!”) – Joe “Kobe”
The Jerry Stackhouse Award (Seriously that old man still plays?) – “Chief Salgats” Salgado
Last Minute Mass Text Payoff (The basketball equivalent of the drunk dial) – “Stone Cold Steve” Austin Serriani
PSN League MVP – “Jrue” Schneider (who’s now one step closer to starting for the Pacers)
PSN League LVP – The CFA (Took more players out of the game than any injury)
Now that the season is over, the Ball & Oates players will enjoy the summer off and continue their successfull offseason regimen, which involves drinking heavily and not practicing.
See you next season!