Many Happy Returns

Philadelphia’s most beloved and insignificant sports franchise, Ball and Oates, made its grand return to the national, er, local spotlight on Sunday night with its first game of the new season. The four-fan favorite began their second season with a loss to Phil’s Feathers by a score of 64-38, continuing their Pittsburgh Pirates-style losing streak into the new season.

The team went through some noteworthy and controversial changes in the off-season. GM GP “Cuban” Guercio cut Tony “Broni” Kauffman and Jon “Stroke City” Skale from the team, replacing them with five players from Vanguard’s lunchtime league. Tim “Timbo Slice” Robinson demanded a trade to either Brooklyn or Los Angeles but was dealt to Punxsutawney instead. Chris “Fire Crotch” Kuncio declined his contract’s second year option to test the free agent market, but was never signed. He now works as a tour guide.

The GM said of Ball and Oates’ new roster, “we wanted to build the most diverse team in the league. We now have every shade of white, ranging from alabaster to mother of pearl.” Though, according to some seemingly delusional analysts, the new roster boasts a number of mediocre ballers, including Cameron “Killa Cam” Cassedy, Rudy “Rude Boy” Shah, and Mike “30 Minutes Late” Colosimo.

Ball and Oates takes to the court again this Sunday at 6:00 pm at the Sporting Club at the Bellevue. The team’s GM tried to incentivize his players’ performance by promising to buy them all a $17 Casio digital watch that they could all take turns wearing.

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