A Close Shave

Ball & Oates won their matchup against Dick Vitale & the Shaved Krzyzewskis on Sunday, despite their best efforts to lose. The team came away with their second win of the season, sealing it by a score of 37-35.

Fear and doubt circled the arena at the Bellevue when it was learned that team superstar Joe “Kobe” would not be playing due to muscle spasms in his leg which resulted from the severe ass-kicking he laid down last week on Pickin & Rollin. Further skepticism about Ball & Oates winning chances arose when Matt “Big Beard” Brady decided he had better things to do and no-showed.

Despite the skepticism, Ball & Oates got out to a crushing lead in the first half, limiting their opponents to 11 points while scoring 27 of their own. “Rude Boy” Shah ran point, moving the ball well and shooting the long three LIKE A BOSS. “Chief Salgats” did the same, commanding the 1 spot for B&O while flexing his three-point shooting muscles. At one point in the second half, Salgats drained a three, turned to the opposing bench and made a “bring it on” gesture, all while his teammates screamed in alto bass, “CHIEEEEFFFFF!”

More notable performances included “Jrue” Schneider and “30 Minutes Late” Colosimo, who, when Dick Vitale & the Shaved Krzyzewskis caught up at the end of the second half, were extremely clutch. Colosimo hit a go-ahead layup with a little over a minute left. Schneider drew the necessary contact down low, which sent him to the foul line where he made both shots to put Ball & Oates up by four. Both dudes also took a dive to try to get a charge call against the opposing players, but neither were awarded with the call.

GM “Cuban” Guercio also shot the ball extremely well and reached a new career high single-game scoring record of 7 points. Leo “Ratliff” stepped up and played hard down low. And Cameron Cassedy fouled out. Apparently, his scrappy style of game play, also known as “hustle”, was too much for the Dicks & Coach Ks to handle.

But perhaps the most impressive performance came from Rachel “Totes Cleave” Benway, the team’s resident mascot and cheerleader, who brought orange slices and juice boxes for the ballers. After the game ended, they all piled into her minivan and went to the mall to get Taco Bell and buy shirts from PacSun.

With this victory, Ball & Oates advanced to a 2-1 season record, which is the first time in team history that they have been over .500. Kind of a big deal, and the fans couldn’t be happier.

Look to see Ball & Oates take on Billy Hoyle at 5 pm next Sunday.

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