From Turd to Third

What a finish! Ball and Oates closed out the fall season by continuing their dominant run and recording a hard-fought win against Phil’s Feathers. With the victory, Ball and Oates  claimed third place in the league, a long climb up from the last place spot they were in two weeks ago. The decisive match was won by a final score of 57-51, and even Chris Tucker would agree that it warranted some boasting.

Ball and Oates proved early on that they were playing chess while Phil’s Feathers was playing checkers. Philly’s favorite team showed up with a deep roster and short stamina, after all the Running of the Santas was the night before, which involved no running but lots of drinking. Still, that couldn’t slow down Ball and Oates.  Even the terrible officiating and reduced playing time by the PSN referees couldn’t stop what appeared to be destiny. In an unprecedented move, GM “Cuban” Guercio fined the PSN league for these offenses to the team, demanding in excess of $5 million for the slights. The league and the GM settled for $150, which was just enough to buy the victory round of beers and burgers at Perch Pub.

But what performances! GM “Cuban” Guercio continued his hot shooting streak, recording Ball and Oates first six points of the game and netting a total of eight. Leo “Ratliff” sunk two sky-hooks that would have made Lew Alcindor proud. “Sunshine” Salgado wowed the crowd with an impressive reverse layup against two defenders in the second half. Isaac “Newton” hit four free throws with 20 seconds left in the game that sealed the victory for Ball and Oates. “Jrue” Schneider, Joe “Kobe”, and Mike “Hasselhoff” played with their usual dominant presence. “Killa Cam” Cassedy fouled out. “Speedy” Salera and “30 Minutes Late” Colosimo provided necessary pop off the bench, which helped Ball and Oates starters when they needed a break to recover from the alcohol shakes.  But the most impressive performance came from “Rude Boy” Shah, the team’s resident minority and All-Star guard. “Rude Boy” shot with precision from the floor, including a clutch three-pointer that put Ball and Oates up by six points when Phil’s Feathers was threatening with less than a minute left to play.

Once the season ended, the conversation quickly shifted to awards and recognition. However, instead of honoring any of the players for their hard work throughout the season, GM “Cuban” Guercio erected a bronze statue of himself in the corridor of the Sporting Club at the Bellevue. The GM is depicted naked, in the Captain Morgan pose with a bald eagle perched on his right forearm, a voluptuous supermodel draped on his left, and a basketball underneath his right foot. Upon hearing this news, Dallas Cowboys owner, president, and GM Jerry Jones immediately ordered one of himself to be placed at the 50-yard line of Cowboys Stadium. Clearly, the impact of this amazing, 3-5 season from Ball and Oates is having a significant impact on the entire sports world, which begs the same question that came up at the end of last season: will they be back for another? If Arnold Schwarzenegger can still star in actions movies, then Ball and Oates will return.


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