To all 7 followers of this blog: For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Leonardo aka Leo “Ratliff” Guercio, standout star center/power forward for that beloved Philadelphia franchise: Ball and Oates. I also happen to be GM GP “Cuban” Guercio’s older, taller, smarter, better-looking brother. I was kindly asked by GP “Cuban” Guercio to write our recap this past week as he was unable to do so. Apparently GP, along with the Koch Brothers and other close friends/Romney campaign donors, pre-emptively celebrated Romney’s certain victory by smoking stogies and getting hard-ons talking about slashes to social (read: entitlement) programs while sailing the Bain Capital yacht down the Potomac. When news of the Obama’s statistically impossible victory reached the 1%, they lamented the loss by smoking stogies and getting hard-ons by choosing hookers to plant in the White House while sailing the Bain Capital yacht down the Potomac. As of this writing, GP Guercio has yet to return to his managing duties as GM of Ball and Oates, leaving his handsome, Ivy League-educated, older, better-looking brother to write last week’s recap and pick up the managing slack.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, Ball and Oates has kept its record-shattering unvictorious streak alive, shocking the Philadelphia fans, who were certain that the boys in blue would get lucky and win by forfeit. When approached for comment, GM GP “Cuban” Guercio blamed it on Sandy, not the prostitute he was setting up with a local judge, but the Category 1 hurricane that ravaged the East Coast, causing the game to be delayed by a week. “Well Sandy really kinda took it out of us, you know. She just came on so quickly and forcefully, blowing everything around, we had to stay in our bedrooms all week,” again talking about the Hurricane and not the prostitute. The team played a strong first half against Geeks and Sneaks, who were less like geeks and more like Space Jam’s Monstars (i.e. big, strong, and fast but with poor fundamentals). Ball and Oates headed into halftime trailing by a close 17-16 score. The team got off to a quick lead in the second half thanks to a scrappy couple drives and a nice 3-pointer from the closest thing Ball and Oates has to a black player, Rudy “Rude Boy” Shah. Then, with a series of controversial calls against Ball and Oates, the players’ focus and “talent” disappeared quicker than Pat Burrell at a paternity hearing. Geeks and Sneaks went on a crushing run leaving Ball and Oates unable to recover, losing by a final score of 44-32. Upon receiving word of the epic collapse, Eagles coach and walrus doppelganger, Andy Reid exclaimed, “Jesus Christ, and I thought I was having a rough week…”
Despite the epic collapse, there was some great play from the stars of Ball and Oates. Center Drew “Jrue” Schneider dominated down low with strong play, which was unexpected given his recent shenanigans in Las Vegas. Mike “30 Minutes Late” Colosimo, Cameron “Killa Cam” Cassedy, and Isaac “Newton” Perron displayed good hustle, sinking some nice mid-range jump shots. Mike “Hasselhoff” Sunderhauf and yours truly displayed solid defense in the paint as well as impressive sets of beer guts (Hey ladies, we’re single). As usual, Ball and Oates GM GP “Cuban” Guercio led by example, scoring a season-high one basket. In addition, Mike “Speedy” Salera was sent down to Ball and Oates’ Double-A team affiliate in Arizona, Ball Me Maybe, while Steven “Sunshine” Salgado was called up in his professional Ball and Oates debut. When Salgado was asked to comment on his debut, he said, “I dunno, it was fun, but I thought this was a drinking league… I got a 30-rack of Coors ready to go in my bag.”
Next week’s game will be a rematch against Phil’s Feathers, who fans may remember as one of the many teams to have trounced Ball and Oates throughout the franchise’s storied existence. However,fans are hopeful since a recent statistical analysis performed by a 3rd party group of Rhesus monkeys has the probability of a Ball and Oates win at 2.67%, shattering the previous record-high 2.36%. It seems anything is possible for these boys in blue. Stay tuned!