Half Strength

It was a disappointing day in Philadelphia on Sunday. The city’s most popular sports team suffered a disappointing loss as a result of a few too many turnovers and some sloppy offense. And no, we’re not talking about the Eagles. Ball and Oates missed the opportunity to win an evenly matched contest against Stud Guarding yesterday, dropping the game by a score of 69-55.

The team was at half strength, at best, playing with only four starters. GM GP “Cuban” Guercio pulled some strings with former teammate Tony “Broni” Kauffman, convincing him to play as the team’s fifth starter in exchange for a shake weight and the Will & Grace complete series on DVD. The team jumped out to an early lead before Stud Guarding, who moonlight as Brad Pitt’s security personnel, erased the deficit and ultimately came away with the win.

Although the team was missing 60% of its roster, Ball and Oates found its breakout star in Cameron “Killa Cam” Cassedy, the Florida native who firmly believes that Jesus Christ is from Tampa. When asked in a post game interview what he thought of the media comparing him to Dwight Howard, Cassedy exclaimed, “You mean that guy who actually wanted to leave Florida?!”

Ball and Oates is hoping to have at least three quarters of a team for their matchup next week against Faith +1. Perhaps Ball and Oates will win this upcoming contest, but it will take a divine miracle delivered straight from Tampa Bay.


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