Ball and Oates suffered a morale-draining loss at the (hot) hands of Hot Hands last night, with a final score of 58-36. The team’s playoff hopes are rapidly fading and they are falling farther out of the public eye in a fashion similar to Orlando Bloom. Seriously, what has that guy done lately?
Still, there was much to talk about with last night’s game. The Ball and Oates team, which often looks like they’d be better suited for an intramural cornhole league, grabbed a dominating early lead in the game. That lead lasted for roughly 17 seconds. The team’s opposition, Hot Hands, played a very strong physical game and seemingly had everything working for them; precision shooting, confident drives to the paint, and clutch rebounding. In fact, post-game reports revealed that Hot Hands has received official corporate sponsorship from Linvilla Orchards for their unmatched cherry-picking.
Ball and Oates played without All-Stars Ethan “Eastern Time” Tannen and Matt “Wim Job” Wimmer. Apparently the two players are in a fierce contract dispute with GM GP “Cuban” Guercio over various items including sneakers, sleeveless jerseys, and entrance music. Apparently, GM “Cuban” does not feel that “Ass and Titties” by DJ Funk is an appropriate entrance song for the team. No word yet on any agreements between them.
Despite the large point differential, there were many impressive performances from various players on the the Ball and Oates team, including “Broni” Kauffman, “Timbo Slice” Robinson, and Chris “Fire Crotch” Kuncio. Leo “Ratliff” Guercio was impressive down in the paint to begin the game, when he bodied up his defender and sunk two hook shots. The sellout crowd of four loved it. Tensions rose later in the game when “Ratliff” Guercio had a moment of frustration and showed more emotion than Harrison Ford in a movie in which his family is threatened. The team’s GM lived up to his nickname when he immediately cut “Ratliff” Guercio from the team like Lamar Odom from the Mavs. The GM then quickly resigned his brother to the team when he realized that their mother, Lisa “Iron Lady” Guercio, would beat the crap out of him if she found out.
All signs point to an easy win and a 2-4 finish to the regular season when Ball an Oates faces Thugged Out Daffodils on Monday. Still, critics are warning not to underestimate Ball and Oates losing abilities. One ESPN analyst said this about the team: “What did the world expect from Ball and Oates?! They’re a team of a bunch of short white guys… with a Frenchman and half an Asian thrown in.” All eyes will be on the St. Paul’s dungeon next week for the 10 pm tip-off.